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Uncle And Nephew Quotes

RELATED QUOTES

"A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam's, Born on the Fourth of July." - George M Cohan

"Well, I'm an uncle now ... don't know if I'm a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil." - Bobcat Goldthwait

"The closer the genetic relationship of the family members, as for example father-to-son, as opposed to uncle-to-nephew, the higher the degree of cooperation." - E O Wilson

"Whether you're a mother or father, or a husband or a son, or a niece or a nephew or uncle, breast cancer doesn't discriminate." - Stephanie Mcmahon

"You found an uncle on one side and a nephew on the other, a cousin here and a cousin there. Besides it's still true today. I'll tell you something else. There was a time when even two ambassadors to Switzerland, the one from India and the one from Pakistan, were two blood brothers. Oh, the Partition imposed on us by the British was so unnatural!" - Indira Gandhi

"Christmas a humbug, uncle!" said Scrooge's nephew. "You don't mean that, I am sure?" "I do," said Scrooge. "Merry Christmas! What right have you to be merry? what reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough." - Charles Dickens

"My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians." - Jimmy Kimmel

"Face it, you stupid little cookie maker," Jenks said, almost sounding fond, "in the last couple of days you've seen what it's like to be in a family, with all the touchy tempers and irritation that goes on. Now you get to see the other side, where we do stupid stuff for each other just because we like you. Rache is the little sister. Ivy's the big sister. I'm the uncle from out of state, and you're the rich nephew no one likes but we put up with you anyway because we feel sorry for you. Just let me help, huh? It won't kill you." - Kim Harrison

"Face it, you stupid little cookie maker," Jenks said, almost sounding fond, "in the last couple of days you"ve seen what it's like to be in a family, with all the touchy tempers and irritation that goes on. Now you get to see the other side, where we do stupid stuff for each other just because we like you. Rache is the little sister. Ivy's the big sister. I'm the uncle from out of state, and you're the rich nephew no one likes but we put up with you anyway because we feel sorry for you. Just let me help, huh? It wo' kill you." - Kim Harrison

"Grace me no grace, nor uncle me no uncle; I am no traitor's uncle, and that word "grace" In an ungracious mouth is but profane." - William Shakespeare

"And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle." - Tiffanie DeBartolo

"Afghans excel at fighting Afghans. This is what Afghans do, even when they are not being invaded by foreign powers. They fight each other, tribe against tribe, brother against brother, half-brother against half-brother, cousin against cousin, uncle against nephew, father against son." - Phyllis Chesler

"From a will: And to my communist nephew Oswald, I leave the sum of 10,000 pounds - to be shared equally with his fellow Britishers." - John Carpenter

"Nephew, what means this passionate discourse, This peroration with such circumstance? For France, 'tis ours; and we will keep it still." - William Shakespeare

"He's a bootlegger....One time he killed a man who found out that he was nephew to Von Hindenburg and second cousin to the devil." - F Scott Fitzgerald

"Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore." - Ray Romano

"Plato once wanted to punish one of his slaves and asked his nephew to do the actual whipping for he himself did not own his anger." - Seneca the Younger

"I get to have Sunday lunch at my mum's, pick my nephew up from school now and then: it's a very normal life." - Vicky Mcclure

"Two brothers and a sister, my niece, my nephew... we're a very small group. We're very close, very tight-knit. We spend every holiday weekend together." - Cristela Alonzo

"No one should ever imitate the style of another because, with regard to art, he will be called a nephew and not a child of nature." - Leonardo Da Vinci

"There's something so great about being with your nephew and, when you're tired, just handing him off back to your sister." - Tahj Mowry

"Mel is sensual with me. He treats me like an uncle - a dirty uncle. He's an earthy man and very moral underneath. He has traditional values." - Madeline Kahn

"Come with uncle and hear all proper. Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones...you are invited!" - Anthony Burgess

"[Moses] is obsessed with hip-hop and wanted a gold chain like his uncle Jay-Z." - Gwyneth Paltrow

"I'm that crazy-ass drunk uncle that nobody wants to invite to the holidays and birthdays." - Mark Mcgrath

"Long ago, in a burst of friendliness, Aunty and Uncle Jimmy produced a son named Henry..." - Harper Lee

"My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago." - George Gobel

"An uncle gave me a side drum and my mother decided I should have lessons." - Humphrey Lyttelton

"Uncle fought in Vietnam and then he fought a war all by himself." - Bob Dylan

"My uncle and my grandfather both worked in the Brooklyn Navy Yard." - Dave Van Ronk

"I used to sing songs and write with my uncle, Bill Owens." - Dolly Parton

"I felt no pressure that my grandfather was famous and my uncle was famous." - Kim Weston

"Being a son, brother, uncle and brother-in-law is all I care about." - Chris Burke

"I have a 92 year old father whose doing beautifully who lives in Chicago and a sister and a nephew and a niece and I love coming back and try to do so fairly often." - Bob Balaban

"But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day, If your Snark be a Boojum! for then You will softly and suddenly vanish away, And never be met with again!" - Lewis Carroll

"But then, his revenge had been more direct. He'd hunted down the ones who'd killed his sister and nephew - those who'd survived his mother's attack - and he'd made them wish they'd never been born with nerve endings.' (Acheron)" - Sherrilyn Kenyon

"The colossal mess in Vatican finances that [Pope] Francis inherited has been cleaned up, and cleaned out. Real budgeting and accounting procedures are in place; so are real professionals, not somebody's nephew." - George Weigel

"And to my nephew, Maurice Vibart, I bequeath the sum of twenty thousand pounds in the fervent hope that it may help him to the devil within the year, or as soon after as may be." - Jeffrey Farnol

"My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."" - Milton Berle

"She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn't steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape." - P G Wodehouse

"adult shit, but it's not. Everybody curses now, and teenagers swear more than anyone. I've got a three-year-old nephew running around the house saying to me, Fuck you, you ho. It's fucking insane, man." - Eamon

"When my nephew was 3 and 4, he would say the most genius things. He said, You're hammer macho with FBI dogs. I thought it was just one of those great lines." - Beck

"One of my goals is that, at a dinner party some time in the future, someone will say, 'Oh, my nephew is starting a ready-to-wear brand', and 20 people will turn around and say, 'Is he? Can we invest?' in the same way that, now, if you were to say, 'My nephew is starting a mobile app,' everyone would say, 'Oh, smashing! Can I invest?'" - Natalie Massenet

"Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian." - Oscar Wilde

"I object to that remark very strongly! - The Magician's Nephew" - C S Lewis

"I grew up watching and learning from the ultimate partnership, and that is of my father and late uncle." - Jonathan Tisch

"Right now, I'm worth a million dollars, and I owe Uncle Sam a million-and-a-half dollars, and I made a deal with him. I said, 'Uncle Sam, I'm going to pay you 25 grand a month." - Robert Blake

"Right now, I'm worth a million dollars, and I owe Uncle Sam a million-and-a-half dollars, and I made a deal with him. I said, 'Uncle Sam, I'm going to pay you 25 grand a month.'" - Robert Blake

"I had a very crazy aunt and uncle who we traded my brother Webster to for a Siamese cat. It was heaven to live with my aunt and uncle because you got spoiled to death." - Rex Smith

"i remember we all cried like the Missouri when my Uncle Sol's coffin lurched because somebody pressed a button (and down went my uncle Sol and started a worm farm)" - E E Cummings

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt

"My uncle used to sit me on his lap and play "ventriloquist", only I wasn't wearing pants." - Thom Yorke

"I saw Uncle John with Long Tall Sally, he saw Aunt Mary coming and he ducked back in the alley." - Little Richard

"And I will not be beaten by that jackass." "Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass." - Eoin Colfer

"You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle." - Demetri Martin

"Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle." - Redd Foxx

"Trying to be like my uncle, because I was an only child. He and my cousins were everything to me." - Deon Cole

"I don't use those terms [like Uncle Tom], and I would never speak in that kind of language." - Jill Stein

"Having competed themselves, my father and my uncle are very passionate about motorsport, so I inherited it from them." - Pastor Maldonado

"My father, obviously, and my mother were inspirations. My uncle, Frank Harper, he was an absolute mentor for me." - Hill Harper

"When Liza Minelli was a child, she used to sit on my lap and call me Uncle Sammy." - Sammy Davis Jr

"My youngest uncle Randy and I were the first members of our entire family to ever go to college." - James Earl Jones

"When Liza Minelli was a child, she used to sit on my lap and call me Uncle Sammy." - Sammy Davis, Jr.

"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear." - Jack Handey

"Tavi looked wildly around the courtyard, and when his gaze flicked toward them, his face lit witha ferocious smile. "Uncle Bernard! Uncle Bernard!" he shouted, pointing at Doroga. "He followed me home! Can we keep him?" - Jim Butcher

"It's nice when somebody tells you about their uncle. Especially when they start out telling you about their father's farm and then all of a sudden get more interested in their uncle." - J D Salinger

"Dad told Uncle Seth not to screw things up," she informed me as we washed our hands. "He said even if Uncle Seth is famous, him getting a woman like you defies belief." I laughed and smoothed down the skirt of my dress. "I do' know about that. I do' think your dad gives your uncle enough credit." Brandy gave me a sage look, worthy of someone much older. "Uncle Seth spent last Valentine's Day at a library." - Richelle Mead

"Dad told Uncle Seth not to screw things up," she informed me as we washed our hands. "He said even if Uncle Seth is famous, him getting a woman like you defies belief." I laughed and smoothed down the skirt of my dress. "I don't know about that. I don't think your dad gives your uncle enough credit." Brandy gave me a sage look, worthy of someone much older. "Uncle Seth spent last Valentine's Day at a library." - Richelle Mead

"Grace me no grace, nor uncle me no uncle." - William Shakespeare

"You, know I'm the Queen's favorite great nephew, Well, yeah I'm her only great nephew, but that's not important, I'd still be her favorite..." - Richelle Mead

"All my grandparents and great aunts and uncle love 'Foyle's War.' They all lived through the war and love to see it reconstructed so authentically." - Honeysuckle Weeks

"why did the senate after killing Caesar turn around and give the government to his nephew? Why did France after they got rid of the king and that whole system turn around and give it to Napoleon? It's the same thing with Germany and Hitler." - George Lucas

"[In ancient Rome,] why did the senate after killing Caesar turn around and give the government to his nephew? Why did France after they got rid of the king and that whole system turn around and give it to Napoleon? It's the same thing with Germany and Hitler." - George Lucas

"The woman I loved died because I did not love her enough - what greater sin is there than that?" (Uncle Chaim and Aunt Fifke and the Angel)" - Peter S Beagle

"Ay, marry, uncle; for I always thought It was both impious and unnatural That such immanity and bloody strife Should reign among professors of one faith." - William Shakespeare

"I may drink too much and play too loud, hang out with a rough and rowdy crowd. That don't mean I don't respect my mama or Uncle Sam." - Tracy Byrd

"In other words, science tells us that Adam and Eve are fictions. That Saint Paul or Uncle Tom Cobley and all thought otherwise is irrelevant. They were wrong." - Michael Ruse

"My family is really, really Southern - I had two uncle Bubbas, and grandparents that we called Big Mama and Big Daddy." - Laura Lippman

"I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes-and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle"s." - William Shakespeare

"My grandfather and my uncle both died from colorectal cancer, my dad almost died from it and I have the gene for it." - Kareem Abduljabbar

"I'll say my dad couldn't act to save his life and nor can my uncle, and they'll say I'm the worst actor in the world." - Laurence Fox

"Young people, for whom I should have been a role model and an uncle, duplicated my worst habits and died as a result." - Peter Coyote

"My grandfather and my uncle both died from colorectal cancer, my dad almost died from it and I have the gene for it." - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

"I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane." - Ray Bradbury

"Fortunately, as it pertains to guns, my dad and uncle introduced me to guns the way it needs to be done: smart, slow and safe." - Ted Nugent

"Do' interrupt," one of the boys said. "He"ll lose his life." Seeing it was a matter of life and death, Sophie and Michael backed toward the door. But Howl, quite unperturbed at killing his nephew, strode over to the wall and pulled the boxes up by the roots." - Diana Wynne Jones

"Don't interrupt,' one of the boys said. 'He'll lose his life.' Seeing it was a matter of life and death, Sophie and Michael backed toward the door. But Howl, quite unperturbed at killing his nephew, strode over to the wall and pulled the boxes up by the roots." - Diana Wynne Jones

"I would not be a good mother. I mean, I love being an aunt to my niece and nephew. And I used to want to, like, adopt 10 kids - because I had friends who were adopted, and I thought that was the coolest thing, to be chosen. But again, my job is too selfish." - Kelly Clarkson

"You have family", Bob said. "You have a wife who hates you. Kids who are furious with you. A brother and sister who make you insane. And a nephew who used to be kind of a drip but apparently is not so much of a drip now. That's called family"." - Elizabeth Strout

"But then, his revenge had been more direct. He"d hunted down the ones who"d killed his sister and nephew - those who"d survived his mother's attack - and he"d made them wish they"d never been born with nerve endings.' (Acheron)" - Sherrilyn Kenyon

"People say California is the leading state on these type of issues. I've called my sister today and I said - I have a 3-year-old nephew - "Do you spank?"And she says, "If it's necessary I will. But that's my decision. I'm the mother. Not you."" - Sean Hannity

"Uncle Jeb," we croaked in surprise. "You found us." "Well, now," he said, and his gruff voice brought back a hundred memories. "Well, now, here's a pickle." - Stephenie Meyer

"Uncle claims that if he files his income tax wrong he'll go to jail, and if he files it right he'll go to the poor house." - Nonnee Coan

"Sadie got up and kissed Amos on the forehead. "Leave it to us, Uncle. I"ve got a plan." "That," I said, "sounds like very bad news." - Rick Riordan

"There was living in the palace at this time a brother of the great Germanicus, and consequently an uncle of the late emperor, whose name was Claudius Caesar." - Frederic Farrar

"A small business person has Uncle Sam as a partner, a partner who puts up no money, does no work, and wants 30 or 40 percent" - Irwin Schiff

"I'll have you weak in the knees that you could hardly speak, Or we could do like Uncle L and swing an ep in my Jeep." - Q-Tip

"Uncle Scrooge preferred to let the poor die "and decrease the surplus population." Scrooge may not have had God on his side, but his arithmetic was impeccable." - Roger Rosenblatt

"Sadie got up and kissed Amos on the forehead. "Leave it to us, Uncle. I've got a plan." "That," I said, "sounds like very bad news." - Rick Riordan

"That defining moment at my friend's house, when his uncle looks in my eye and reads me the word of God, I have an awakening." - Paula White

"When Uncle Jake Became a snake He never found it out; And so as no one mentions it One sees him still about." - Mervyn Peake

"Uncle Scrooge preferred to let the poor die and decrease the surplus population. Scrooge may not have had God on his side, but his arithmetic was impeccable." - Roger Rosenblatt

"Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer's wife." - L Frank Baum

"It will only take a minute, said Uncle Einar's sweet wife. I refuse, he said. And that takes but a second." - Ray Bradbury

"But what ailed Little Eva St. Clair, in Uncle Tom's Cabin? What carried off Little Nell?...They have no clear symptoms, and seem to die of Ingrowing Virtue." - Robertson Davies

"My uncle killed by sniper in WW2. We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot you in the back. Snipers aren't heroes. And invaders are worse." - Michael Moore

"There was living in the palace at this time a brother of the great Germanicus, and consequently an uncle of the late emperor, whose name was Claudius Caesar." - Frederic William Farrar

"I only hope to do well enough before I die to have a house as big as my rich Uncle Ed and Aunt Carole." - Pat Conroy

"Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in." - Marcelene Cox

"My aunt and uncle would come over when my mom was making this, or we would go over there when they were making that. That's what food is." - Manish Dayal

"It's my firm conviction that when Uncle Sam calls, by God we go, and we do the best that we can." - R Lee Ermey

"I got a lot from my uncle who is a really good ska guitarist. Very ragged makeshift rhythms and intricate lines." - King Krule

"TV tends to look for the living equivalents of squeaky-clean Kens and Barbies, but with my dial I'm more like Ken's dirty old uncle." - John C Mcginley

"I do not identify as a person with a disability. I'm a disabled person. And I'll be a monkey's disabled uncle if I'm going to apologise for that." - Stella Young

"Is art influential? It can be - 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' rallied abolitionists, and 'The Jungle' provoked the demand for a safer food industry." - Will Shetterly

"I never met my Uncle Jack. My mom was six months pregnant with me when he died. But I knew his wife and two kids very well." - Mark Shriver

"An uncle of mine emigrated to Canada and couldn't take his guitar with him. When I found it in the attic, I'd found a friend for life." - Sting

"I spent a lot of time on farms when I was young. My uncle and my dad owned a big farm." - Emeril Lagasse

"Today's Uncle Tom doesn't wear a handkerchief on his head. This modern, twentieth-century Uncle Thomas now often wears a top hat. He's usually well-dressed and well-educated. He's often the personification of culture and refinement. The twentieth-century Uncle Thomas sometimes speaks with a Yale or Harvard accent. Sometimes he is known as Professor, Doctor, Judge, and Reverend, even Right Reverend Doctor. This twentieth-century Uncle Thomas is a professional Negro -by that I mean his profession is being a Negro for the white man." - Malcolm X

"To find out who you are is like putting yourself on a psychiatric couch, but you have nobody to help you. Really it isn't easy. I was talking with my nephew this morning and he gave me one of the best quotes I've heard in years 'Personal style is curiosity about oneself.'" - Iris Apfel

"If the technology hadn't changed, [newspapers would] still be great businesses. Network TV [in its heyday,] anyone could run and do well. If Tom Murphy as running it, you'd do very well, but even your idiot nephew could do well. Fortunately, carbide cutting tools [such as those made by Iscar] don't have these types of substitutes." - Charlie Munger

"If you've got a good enough business, if you have a monopoly newspaper, if you have a network television station - I'm talking of the past - you know, your idiot nephew could run it. And if you've got a really good business, it doesn't make any difference." - Warren Buffett

"To me, my nephew is the angel of my world. It is my absolute happiest moment whenever he smiles at me. I have stopped working 24 hours a day like I was before, and I rush back home to see him whenever I can after work. That always makes my day." - Li Bingbing

"A family portrait not too stale to record Of a pleasant old buffer, nephew to a lord, Who believed that the bank was mightier than the sword, And that an umbrella might pacify barbarians abroad: Just like an old liberal Between the wars." - William Plomer

"I had a sister who was killed in a motorcycle wreck when I was around 4 years old. My parents adopted her son, and so my nephew became my brother. He was three years older than me, so through him, I was exposed to hip-hop." - Big Smo

"The anarchist is dressed all in black. In the dark you can only see his eyes. It dates from the 1930's. Porky Pig is a little boy. The children told me that he has a nephew now, Cicero. Do you remember, during the war, when Porky worked in a defense plant? He and Bugs Bunny. That was a good one too." - Thomas Pynchon

"It distresses me when I take my seven-year-old nephew out. I cook healthy food, and he wants to go to McDonald's. He doesn't even like the food; he just wants the toys, the Happy Meals. I can't stand to see people walking down the street eating fast food." - Julia Sawalha

"I choose parts because I don't want to be embarrassed when the movie comes out. What if my friends were to see the movie? What if my niece or nephew wandered into the theater and saw the movie? I don't want to be too ashamed of it." - Wallace Shawn

"My father's nephew was the blues musician, Lowell Fulson. Every time he came around, he had a pretty car, a beautiful woman and a slick sharkskin suit. Believe it or not, that's how I decided I wanted to get into music." - Charlie Wilson

"But if I were you, I would stand by the nephew. He has more to give." - Jane Austen

"It takes a year, nephew... a full turn of the calendar, to get over losing someone." - Annie Proulx

"If you think I'm fast, just wait until you see my nephew Bruno." - Ayrton Senna

"For jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew" - C S Lewis

"What, nephew, said the king, is the wind in that door?" - Thomas Malory

"Go hang yourself, you naughty mocking uncle!" - William Shakespeare

"O my prophetic soul! My uncle!" - William Shakespeare

"If only Uncle Monty knew what we know," Violet said, "and Stephano knew that he knew what we know. But Uncle Monty doesn't know what we know, and Stephano knows that he doesn't know what we know." "I know," Klause said. "I know you know," Violet said" - Daniel Handler

"If you read the story of slavery and see the part that the Uncle Tom played in the plantation, and then you see how the white man today has changed his tactics, but he still occupies the same position, in that same context you find Uncle Tom. He has changed his tactics but he still occupies the same position." - Malcolm X

"And do I look like the kind of man that can be intimidated?" barked Uncle Vernon. "Well..." said Moody, pushing back his bowler hat to reveal his sinisterly revolving eye. Uncle Vernon lept backward in horror and collided painfully with a luggage trolley. "Yes, I'd have to say you do, Dursley." - J K Rowling

"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear." - Jack Handey

"What I'm worrying about is what Tom is going to say when he starts talking." "Uncle Tom?" "I wish there was something else you could call him except 'Uncle Tom,' " Aunt Dahlia said a little testily. "Every time you do it, I expect to see him turn black and start playing the banjo." - P G Wodehouse

"Growing up, I would say, when we were racing go-karts back in the day, it was always our uncle. We were always looking up to our uncle. I mean, he won the Daytona 500, he's a very well-respected man, and we've always looked up to that." - Amber Cope

"The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's." - Charles Dickens

"What I discovered with acting is that you step out of your own personal life and you connect with characters that are not you and you try to understand their journey. I have three Chihuahuas, but I'm not a father. I can put myself in the position of playing a father on a TV show, by paying closer attention to my friends that have kids and by spending more time with my nephew." - Travis Aaron Wade

"On a fading summer evening, late in the last hours of his old life, Peter Jaxon-son of Demetrius and Prudence Jaxon, First Family; descendent of Terrence Jaxon, signatory of the One Law; great-great-nephew of the one known as Auntie, Last of the First; Peter of Souls, the Man of Days and the One Who Stood-took his position on the catwalk above Main Gate, waiting to kill his brother." - Justin Cronin

"The fridge had been emptied of all Dudley's favorite things - fizzy drinks and cakes, chocolate bars and burgers - and filled instead with fruit and vegetables and the sorts of things that Uncle Vernon called "rabbit food." - J K Rowling

"The fridge had been emptied of all Dudley's favorite things - fizzy drinks and cakes, chocolate bars and burgers - and filled instead with fruit and vegetables and the sorts of things that Uncle Vernon called "rabbit food." - J K Rowling

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late." - Jack Handey

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. Oh, no, I said. Disneyland burned down. He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late." - Jack Handey

"This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers - two of them - on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus." - Jonathan Safran Foer



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