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John Kerry Quotes

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"John Kerry, windsurfing dilettante" - Eleanor Clift

"John Kerry is a sphincter. Okay, that's a bit juvenile." - Jonah Goldberg

"I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty," - John F Kerry

"I'm John Kerry and I'm reporting for duty." - John Kerry

"John Kerry couldn't even order a Philly cheesesteak properly." - Rich Lowry

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?" - Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" - Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." - David Letterman

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." - Jay Leno

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'" - Craig Kilborn

"After he married TerRAHsa, didn't John Kerry begin practicing Judiasm? He also has paternal grandparents that were Jewish. What religion is John Kerry?" - Jerome Corsi

"My position is not that John Kerry is either Jesus Christ or the prophet Mohammad. My position is that John Kerry is the possibility of restarting politics." - Todd Gitlin

"Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her." - Chris Rock

"I have never seen John Kerry give anything but an engineered response." - Michael Parenti

"John Kerry, who says he doesn't like outsourcing, wants to outsource our national security." - Zell Miller

"John Kerry was always in front of the camera but not out doing the hard work." - Mitt Romney

"John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded." - Barack Obama

"Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people." - Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'" - Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." - David Letterman

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." - Jay Leno

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." - Jay Leno

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." - Craig Kilborn

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." - Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." - David Letterman

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" - Conan O'Brien

"Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'" - Dennis Miller

"You've got people who didn't serve with John Kerry saying they did serve with John Kerry in the boat. With George Bush, we can't find anybody who did serve with him." - Mark Shields

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." - Jay Leno

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." - Craig Kilborn

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." - David Letterman

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." - Craig Kilborn

"When John Kerry and Zell Miller and George Bush can agree on an issue, you know its got legs." - Phil Bredesen

"...one is reminded that [John Kerry, D-MA] really just a better-looking Ted Kennedy, a richer Michael Dukakis." - Laura Ingraham

"Secretary [John] Kerry has called Civil War [in Syria] an unbelievably small war that we're going to get involved with." - Rand Paul

"Senator Kerry says he sees two Americas. And that makes the whole thing mutual - America sees two John Kerrys." - Dick Cheney

"You can't get much more liberal than John Kerry is. I mean, he's my candidate, but, I mean, come on." - Don Imus

"Why couldn't Obama have picked somebody respectable as his running mate, you know, like John Kerry did?" - Ann Coulter

"Senator Kerry says he sees two Americas. It makes the whole thing mutual - America sees two John Kerrys." - Dick Cheney

"If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam - oh wait, he does." - Ann Coulter

"In 2004, I joined my father, John Kerry, on the trail in his bid for the United States presidency." - Alexandra Kerry

"George Bush says what John Kerry did was noble. Yet he sees him being savaged by his own supporters." - Mark Shields

"When John Kerry and Zell Miller and George Bush can agree on an issue, you know it's got legs." - Phil Bredesen

"John Ashcroft - John Ashcrack - ibid." - Jello Biafra

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." - Jay Leno

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, 'What? People are listening to my speeches?'" - Jay Leno

"John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." - David Letterman

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" - Jay Leno

"Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it's too early to tell who would lose bigger!" - Jay Leno

"Kerry is saying that Bush never showed up for his national guard duty ... and now Bush is on the attack. He's accusing John Kerry of ducking time in the national guard by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam." - Jay Leno

"John Keats / John Keats / John / Please put your scarf on." - J D Salinger

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" - Craig Kilborn

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." - Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" - Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." - Craig Kilborn

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." - Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." - David Letterman

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." - Craig Kilborn

"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" - David Letterman

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." - Jay Leno

"According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" - David Letterman

"I saw some war heroes... John Kerry is not a war hero. He couldn't tie the shoes of some of the people in Coastal Division 11." - John O'Neill

"Personally, I'd rather have pins stuck in my eyes than endure a conversation with John Kerry, but I'd love to hang with Bush." - Andrew Sullivan

"John Kerry gave the enemy for free what I and many of my comrades in North Vietnam in the prison camps took torture to avoid saying." - Paul Galanti

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" - Jon Stewart

"I told John Kerry and General Allen, the Americans' expert, 'We live here, I live here, I know what we need to ensure the security of Israel's people.'" - Benjamin Netanyahu

"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" - Jay Leno

"I told John Kerry and General Allen, the Americans" expert, "We live here, I live here, I know what we need to ensure the security of Israel's people."" - Benjamin Netanyahu

"John Kerry knows more about more subjects than an awful lot of people. But I think it's a very hard job [Secretary of State]." - Madeleine Albright

"[John Kerry] actually stole my line because when I became Secretary of State, I said, 'I hope my heels will fill Warren Christopher's shoes.' So he reversed that." - Madeleine Albright

"I do think John Kerry has tried awfully hard to work with Russia and others to have a lasting, significant cease-fire." - David Corn

"Does John Kerry have to give them [Iran] every little thing? You'll pass some sanctions for human rights and missiles, and I'll grudgingly sign on." - Hillary Clinton

"I think Hillary Clinton's a very clever politician but she would be too easy to stereotype the way John Kerry was." - Maureen Dowd

"Donald Trump agreed with Hillary Clinton supporting John Kerry. He agreed with Hillary Clinton on being - quote - "neutral" between Israel and the Palestinians." - Ted Cruz

"I saw some war heroes... John Kerry is not a war hero. He couldn't tie the shoes of some of the people in Coastal Division 11." - John Oneill

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." - Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry didn't out me, nor did he offend or attack me by calling me a lesbian. I certainly couldn't be offended by the truth." - Mary Cheney

"Pictures can be devastating. Who allowed John Kerry to get himself photographed windsurfing in a flowered swimsuit? Anyone in the real world in that operation?" - Jack Germond

"I told John Kerry and General Allen, the Americans' expert, 'We live here, I live here, I know what we need to ensure the security of Israel's people.'" - Benjamin Netanyahu

"I would never say John Kerry would be a great president. I will say that George Bush has divided us; he has filled this country with hatred." - John Mellencamp

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman

"I think we need people with stronger ideals than John Kerry or Bill Clinton. I think we need people with more courage and vision." - Octavia E Butler

"John Kerry can be absolutely ruthless. I would not want to be on his enemies list when he's ready to go after you." - Douglas Brinkley

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." - Jay Leno

"[Senators John Kerry & John Edwards] have risen high in Democratic polls with a brand of class resentment and soak-the-rich rhetoric rooted in the old-fashioned liberalism of Ted Kennedy." - William Safire

"A Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, John Edwards, Howard Dean, George Soros, or Al Gore looks - no, acts - like he either came out of a hairstylist's salon or got off a Gulfstream." - Victor Davis Hanson

"[Senators John Kerry & John Edwards] have risen high in Democratic polls with a brand of class resentment and soak-the-rich rhetoric rooted in the old-fashioned liberalism of Ted Kennedy." - William Safire

"John Kerry made a joke about Bush being a moron, and now Bush wants morons to think it was a joke was about the troops. ... Now, John Kerry has apologized. He said he made a botched joke and admitted that he has a joking problem. He has checked into an improv group and revealed that as a child, he was molested by a clown." - Bill Maher

"Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble." - David Letterman

"The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" - Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" - Jay Leno

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." - Conan Obrien

"I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Clinton cost John Kerry more votes than he gained for him whenever they appeared together. Imagine being part of a crowd enraptured by the presence of Bill Clinton, and then having to listen to a speech by John Kerry!" - Pat Sajak

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." - Conan O'Brien

"John Toshack hates me." - Robbie Savage

"Godspeed, John Glenn." - Scott Carpenter

"Listen John-' 'Who's John?' 'You're John.' 'I'm John?' 'Yeah, I changed your name." - Dave Eggers

"John Hughes loved improvisers." - Edie Mcclurg

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States - and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." - Jay Leno

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States - and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." - Jay Leno

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." - David Letterman

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." - Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh-." - Bill Maher

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." - Jay Leno

"Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'" - Jon Stewart

"The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth disputed whether John Kerry deserved some of his five medals. A large part of Kerry's defense was an appeal to the authority of veterans who supported him-one of whom has now been revealed to have received a medal he doesn't deserve. This doesn't prove the Kerry detractors were right, but it certainly doesn't weaken their case." - James Taranto

"Senator McCain is all for John Kerry. Do you know they're buddies? McCain is in favor of Kerry being secretary of state. Somebody the other day suggested, maybe it was just today, a bipartisan compromise and nominate Colin Powell to be secretary of state again. What would be bipartisan about that? He's not a Republican." - Rush Limbaugh

"Nobody has ever denied that when it comes to his trade - gigolo - John Forbes Kerry is one of the all-time greats. He's in the Gigolo Hall of Fame. See, a really good gigolo might snag one heiress in a lifetime with a nine-figure trust fund. Kerry has married two. When it comes to gigolos, he's Steve Jobs." - Howie Carr

"If there was one fact that sent me hurtling off to write 'Politics Lost,' it was when I learned that John Kerry had focus-grouped Abu Ghraib. We knew about the Justice Department memo in June of 2004, and Kerry didn't raise that in any one of his three debates with George Bush." - Joe Klein

"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." - David Letterman

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate." - Jay Leno

"How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in." - David Letterman

"John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." - Jay Leno

"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." - David Letterman

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." - Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" - Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." - Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." - Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" - Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." - Jay Leno

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." - Conan O'Brien

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." - Jay Leno

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." - Jay Leno

"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." - David Letterman

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her - at her bank." - Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." - Jay Leno

"By 1973, John Kerry had already accused American soldiers of committing war crimes in Vietnam, thrown someone else's medals to the ground in an anti-war demonstration, and married his first heiress." - Ann Coulter

"Actually, he gave false evidence [of chemical weapons]. In this case,[John] Kerry didn't even present any evidence. He talked "we have evidence" and he didn't present anything. Not yet, nothing so far ; not a single shred of evidence." - Bashar al-Assad

"I think Putin has already gotten used to the idea of Obama and his secretary of state, John Kerry, making noise - it just doesn't seem to impress Moscow at all." - Newt Gingrich

"There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death." - Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" - Jimmy Fallon

"Don't hold me to anything in the book. I'm a waffler. I like wafflers. They said John Kerry was a waffler, but I admired him for that - showed he could change his mind." - Jonathan Ames

"Well, no one knows for sure. There are now two competing governments and various armed militias, tribes and clans. Secretary John Kerry and others have said they're hopeful a single government can be formed soon maybe in the coming weeks." - Tom Bowman

"Maybe John Kerry does not know - but I am happy to explain it to him - that my commitment to withdraw the troops goes back before the tragic, dramatic terrorist attack." - Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero

"Talking to John Kerry is like talking to an Ent. You know, the tree people from Lord of the Rings... I believe that all Americans should have affordable healthcare..." - Margaret Cho

"More important than his record as a debater is Mr. Bush's record as a president. And therein lies the true opportunity for John Kerry - notwithstanding the president's political skills, his performance in office amounts to a catastrophic failure." - Al Gore

"If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is President, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." - John Edwards

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." - Jay Leno

"Maybe John Kerry does not know - but I am happy to explain it to him - that my commitment to withdraw the troops goes back before the tragic, dramatic terrorist attack." - Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapat

"I like John Kerry. I think he's intellectually curious and very thoughtful. I think he's deeply committed on issues like the environment. I think he's an internationalist, which I am." - Howard Dean

"President George W. Bush won reelection in 2004 largely because he was seen as comfortable in his own skin, while rival John Kerry was viewed as a flip-flopping opportunist." - Ron Fournier

"For more than 20 years, on every one of the great issues of freedom and security, John Kerry has been more wrong, more weak and more wobbly than any other national figure." - Zell Miller



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