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Gag Quotes

RELATED QUOTES

"Gag me with a spoon!" - Moon Unit Zappa

"I'm like a sight gag." - Adam Driver

"In the end, everything is a gag." - Charlie Chaplin

"I do not favor the gag order." - Nancy Grace

"Super injunctions are interesting legal weapons really, they don't just gag the press, they gag them from mentioning the existence of the gag." - Charlie Brooker

"Don't gag people with welfare, they'll never make an effort." - Anonymous

"An epigram is a gag that's played Carnegie Hall." - Oscar Levant

"I'm an author whose strength is in gag-writing." - Jeff Kinney

"If men are God's gift to women, then God must really love gag gifts." - Maya Angelou

"Sometimes you have to gag on fancy before you can appreciate plain ..." - Jan Karon

"Art without emotion its like chocolate cake without sugar. It makes you gag." - Laurie Halse Anderson

"If the gag is complicated, you spend more time thinking about the way you're drawing it." - Sergio Aragones

"The modern horror audience is wise to our tricks this lets it in on the gag." - Robert Englund

"I'm not the guy to ask about politics. I'm a gag writer." - David Mamet

"One would have to say "in the end everything is a gag, etc" because everything is infinitely more than just a gag. The same applies to other "is"-statements such as "Laughter is an instant vacation"" - Alfred Korzybski

"Sometimes, you start with the drawing and then the gag comes to you in the middle of it. That is when you start working on the solution of the gag, which is composition, placing, equilibrium, and character design." - Sergio Aragones

"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders." - George W Bush

"I've been known to slum it and shop in the gag-him-and-bag-him aisles, believe it or not." - Tammara Webber

"Kentucky Gag Order is a great band, there's stuff here and there that you catch that is cool." - Eyedea

"The strips I admire go farther than a gag a day, and take us into a special world." - Bill Watterson

"'Sex and The City' had very strong gag orders as to what we could say and not say." - Willie Garson

"My dream in life is to write the one gag that makes everyone in the world laugh." - Jim Davis

"the news might be single-handedly trying to bring about an environmental catastrophe, which it will then report on. Super injunctions are interesting legal weapons really, they don't just gag the press, they gag them from mentioning the existence of the gag. Sport belongs in a news bulletin about as much as a mummified cat's head belongs in a Caesar salad. Combine the "mounting pressure" with the "growing cause" and you've got yourself a "media whirlwind" which you can also refer to." - Charlie Brooker

"...I will not be a sight gag for anybody. I will not do anything degrading to myself or other fat people." - Darlene Cates

"But a public oration is an escapade, a non-committal, an apology, a gag, and not a communication, not a speech, not a man." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I often think it can often be very difficult for comedians to revisit the same gag. I think Russell's a bit more than a comedian." - Colin Firth

"If a footballer presents himself as a family man and goes and has sex with a prostitute, should he gag her?" - Nicky Campbell

"But it's hard to talk about art. Maybe there should be a law against it, some First Amendment gag order like crying fire in a crowded theater." - Stanley Elkin

"I won't stop talking. I am a girl you have no control over. There is not a gag big enough to handle this mouth." - Kathleen Hanna

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in." - Gary Gulman

"The gag rule is, is that if any program receiving United States funding for Family Planning cannot mention, cannot speak the word "abortion" in the Third World." - Eleanor Smeal

"Puns are the gag hand buzzers of conversation. It hurts a bit but everyone gets a good laugh out of it." - Grey Livingston

"Situation comedy on television has thrived for years on canned laughter grafted to gag lines by technicians using records of guffawing audiences that have been dead for years." - Russell Baker

"I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian." - Dave Barry

"How do you gag the voice in your head that says, 'You don't have to [do it] today. There's always tomorrow.'?" - A J Jacobs

"What he brought out was a wooden gag they put in someone's mouth before doing something drastic, like cutting off a leg." - Megan Whalen Turner

"I honestly do feel - and I hope I don't gag anybody if they read this - but I feel like I'm one of the luckiest people in the world." - Jonathan Banks

"I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh." - Jimmy Carr

"I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it's all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection, getting the gag right." - Paul Merton

"[Abdellatif Laabi] was a poet and worked as a high school teacher; and although he hadn't broken any laws, the Moroccan government was determined to "gag" him - I use the term specifically since one of my favorite sequences of his is entitled "The Poem Beneath The Gag."" - Andre Naffis-Sahely

"Money is a terrible blab; she will betray the secrets of her owner, whatever he do to gag her. His virtues will creep out in her whisper; his vices she will cry aloud at the top of her tongue." - Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

"It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?" - Alan Moore

"Most of the old fantasy and hi-jinks drained out of the strip in the late thirties and forties, and it became little more than a routine gag strip, as it is today." - Bud Fisher

"I beg your pardon. I'm not gross. (Simone) Grody to the max. Gag me with a spoon. I"ve seen you in the mornings. You're not exactly well coiffed. (Jesse)" - Sherrilyn Kenyon

"I beg your pardon. I'm not gross. (Simone) Grody to the max. Gag me with a spoon. I've seen you in the mornings. You're not exactly well coiffed. (Jesse)" - Sherrilyn Kenyon

"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming." - Jack Handey

"There is a lot of rubbish written about toilet humour - people saying it is childish and pretending it is beneath them - but there is no doubting the effectiveness of a really good willy gag." - Ade Edmondson

"Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)" - Jack Handey

"My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag." - Doug Stanhope

"Almost everything is in the movie [The Hangover]. I think the fun little Easter eggs on the DVD will be sort of the gag reel stuff. There's a lot of takes we just couldn't get through.We were laughing." - Ed Helms

"I would like to thank the people who encouraged me to draw army cartoons at a time when the gag man's conception of the army was one of mean ole sergents and jeeps which jump over mountains." - Bill Mauldin

"Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth." - Will Rogers

"The famous Northern reticence, the tight gag of place And times: yes, yes. Of the 'wee six' I sing Where to be saved you only must save face And whatever you say, you say nothing." - Seamus Heaney

"There is a lot of rubbish written about toilet humour - people saying it is childish and pretending it is beneath them - but there is no doubting the effectiveness of a really good willy gag." - Adrian Edmondson

"The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'" - David Letterman

"A page a day means I need to focus on a gag a day, and that's great for laughs but bad for plot, and I'm primarily a plot guy." - Doug Tennapel

"I would like to thank the people who encouraged me to draw army cartoons at a time when the gag man's conception of the army was one of mean ole sergeants and jeeps which jump over mountains." - Bill Mauldin

"I apply the three gag rule, which is if I can read a script without gagging more than three times, then maybe I can say yes to this job." - Peter Riegert

"Being a talented artist is good, it's nice, but it's not the most important thing. I think being a good storyteller, having a good idea, a good gag, is probably more important than being a great artist." - Bill Plympton

"If we can but tear the blindfold of self-deception from our eyes and loosen the gag of self-denial from our voices, we can restore our country to greatness." - Theodore C Sorensen

"In America, they have this nauseating habit of calling the conductor 'maestro'. I always slightly gag when the cor anglais player goes, 'Maestro, can I discuss bar 19 with you?'" - Charles Hazlewood

"To my family and friends, I'm very definitely a clown. But do you know what? Doing a drama would almost seem easy because I wouldn't need to find that gag in a line." - Ashley Jensen

"Whenever I catch a chunk of an Adam Sandler comedy on cable, it looks as badly shot and goofily tossed off as a Jerry Lewis gag reel once he hit the late downslide with 'Hardly Working' and 'Cracking Up.'" - James Wolcott

"The gag rule must be eliminated, and it's just the gag rule, we're not talking now even about funding abortion. We're talking about, you know, counseling and speaking, so that's one. That can be reversed by an executive order. [George W.]Bush put it in the first day he got in office. We hope that [Barack] Obama takes it out. He had cut off funding for the United Nations Population Fund, UNFPA, even though Congress had appropriated. It is injured women who are the poorest of the poor." - Eleanor Smeal

"Then why was his tongue in your mouth? Was he conducting a clinical test of your gag reflex?" He smiled, but not nicely. "How is your gag reflex, Ms. Lane? Are you a hair trigger?" Barrons likes to use sexual innuendo to try to shut me up. I think he expects the well-raised southern belle in me will think eew and back off. Sometimes, I do think eew, but I don't back off. "I'm a spitter, if that's what you're asking." I flashed him a too-sweet smile. "Didn't look that way to me. I think you're a swallower. His tongue was halfway to China and you were still taking it." "Jealous?" - Karen Marie Moning

"When I was very young and first worked in Hollywood, the films had bred in me one sole ambition: to get away from them; to live inthe great world outside movies; to meet people who created their own situations through living them; who ad-libbed their own dialogue; whose jokes were not the contrivance of some gag writer." - Anita Loos

"The character and the actor in a long-running series slowly become one. I think there must be funny stories about actors who, in the pilot for a TV series, did some weird thing with their eyes, or some speech impediment or something, and the next thing you know, it's eight years later, and they're still doing that freaking gag." - William H Macy

"In this land of unlimited opportunity, a place where, to paraphrase Woody Allen, any man or woman can realize greatness as a patient or as a doctor, we have only one commercial American filmmaker who consistently speaks with his own voice. That is Woody Allen, gag writer, musician, humorist, philosopher, playwright, stand-up comic, film star, film writer and film director." - Vincent Canby

"Caught in a bad romance. Whoaaa-oh-ooooh!" Nellie wailed along to the XM radio blaring from the enormous speakers. "Can I uncover my ears now?" Dan called from the back, where he was reclined across the leather seat. "Has Nellie stopped her Lady Gag Me impression?" - Rick Riordan

"I was just interested in directing. So I just kept having a go at trying to write little scripts and get things together, and my wife just had a slip of the tongue and said, "Franz Kafka's It's A Wonderful Life" when she meant to say "Frank Capra's." There it is right there. That's a gag that we could make into something." - Peter Capaldi

"What then did you expect when you unbound the gag that muted those black mouths? That they would chant your praises? Did you think that when those heads that our fathers had forcibly bowed down to the ground were raised again, you would find adoration in their eyes?" - Jean-Paul Sartre

"If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father." - Jack Handey

"Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy?Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!" - Kim Cattrall

"It's a corny old gag about Las Vegas, the temporal city if there ever was one, trying to camouflage the hours and retard the dawn, when everybody knows that if you're feeling lucky you're really feeling time in its rawest form, and if you're not feeling lucky, they've got a clock at the bus station." - Michael Herr

"Step 4: Cough and gag. Step 5: Repeat Step 4 until it feels like maybe your lungs aren't inside your body anymore. Step 6: Remember that a really cute boy is beside you, so try to cough in a far more attractive manner." - Ally Carter

"It's a simple and an effective way of getting everyone on the same page, prepared and paying attention to the gag. People just get into that frame of mind of you doing impressions. It can take a minute or two for an audience to catch on when you aren't doing one." - Frank Caliendo

"Tell me why it is that a toddler will gag over a perfectly wonderful breakfast of ham, eggs, biscuits, juice, and jelly. But then he will enthusiastically drink the dog's water and play in the toilet. Truly, he is his mother's greatest challenge...; and her most inexpressible joy." - James Dobson

"When you watch an audience watching my movies, you realize that nobody laughs at the same time. Some people enjoy a beat, and then another group of people are laughing at a sight gag, and then someone laughs where nobody laughs before. They're not timed like a comedy. You're not supposed to laugh at every joke. You decide." - Quentin Dupieux

"In the name of religious freedom, relativists have banished religion from the public square. They say they have to destroy public displays of religion in order to protect it. They response has been a culturewide gag order on Christianity in governmental and even commercial circumstances." - Robert H. Knight

"My role is almost a sight-gag. I have to be a woman to sing the lyrics "I am a man" to have it be a joke. I start the lyric in a male-register and a whole coloratura up into a soprano. And other points in the show... like the guy who likes to be treated like a baby and wear a diaper!" - Max von Essen

"We see it in attempts on Capitol Hill to impose gag rules on rules on doctors on what they can say to their patients about family planning. And we certainly see it now with an effort by the government to tap our phones; invade our medical records, credit information, library records and the most sensitive personal information in the name of national security." - Dick Durbin

"The strangest thing. I came to the end of other people so quickly. Each new person was like a glass of water, and at the beginning I was parched, but then each glass tasted a little worse, the water was grittier, and by the end even the first sip was enough to make me gag, you know?" - Arthur Phillips

"There is that stereotype of a nerd with the high pants and pocket protector and that kind of thing. That can sustain comedy for maybe a movie - hence the 'Revenge of the Nerds' franchise - but not for hopefully years on the air. It's a sight gag, not a story." - Johnny Galecki

"I'm a sucker for gag reels and teaser trailers for new seasons. One of the great parts of panels, especially on a show like 'Supernatural,' which can be so dark, it's fun to get up there and laugh and remember we're only telling a story. Seeing Eric Kripke and Ben Edlund up there being so funny always makes me laugh." - Jared Padalecki

"Sometimes you have to gag on fancy before you can appreciate plain, th' way I see it. For too many years, I ate fancy, I dressed fancy, I talked fancy. A while back, I decided to start talkin' th' way I was raised t' talk, and for th' first time in forty years, I can understand what I'm sayin'." - Jan Karon

"A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal - Panama" - Guy Steele

"I just don't want to live like I used to. And at some point, I'm going to put a gag order on myself in terms of talking about the past. I've got to slam the door and deal with the present and the future." - Charlie Sheen

"I enjoyed doing the gag covers better than the story ones because they were usually simpler. A cover based on an incident in the plot took a great deal of staging to tell a little story that was still part of the book. And it had to make sense on its own." - Carl Barks

"I am kind of a freak of nature who has loose joints, and I was able to put my legs behind my head, and it looked weird to people when I was a kid, so I kept doing it. It's a great party gag." - Doug Jones

"Nobody gets any fun out of baseball any more. I guess a kid's crazy not to be serious about it when he's drawing down $20,000 or $30,000 a year, and any smart-aleck gag you try may be your last. But what's life without a laugh?" - Rabbit Maranville

"When I eat cilantro, it's like someone sprayed perfume down my throat. It closes up my throat, even if there's only a little piece. I like Mexican food, and I'll go out to a Mexican restaurant and tell them, 'Look, I will die if you get cilantro in my food.' Then there's always that one little piece that falls in, and I gag." - Amber Rose

"Presenting the Oscars was the most nerve-racking job I have ever done in show business. It's very much a live show: they have comedy writers waiting in the wings, and as you come off between presentations, they hand you an appropriate gag to tell." - Michael Caine

"I'm not sure about that role any longer. The role used to be to mix things up and I think to a great extent it still is, but the quality of the work of the political cartoon has been succeeded by the wisecrack, the gag cartoon, so that the cartoonist becomes more of the equivalent of the Jay Leno monologues, or David Letterman monologues." - Jules Feiffer

"It's been a while. I haven't seen the actual gag reel they put on the DVD. I just saw the DVD myself, so I know that it's going to be some version of what we saw at our wrap party. Some of the funniest things probably wouldn't make it to the DVD and that involved Ryan O'Neal singing and they intercut that with the American Idol judges judging him, which was pretty funny." - Emily Deschanel

"In a 22-page comic, figuring an average of four to five panels a page and a couple of full-page shots, a writer has maybe a hundred panels at most to tell a story, so every panel he wastes conveying a.) something I already know, b.) something that's a cute gag but does nothing to reveal plot or character, or c.) something I don't need to know is a demonstration of lousy craft." - Mark Waid

"Identity is a bag and a gag. Yet it exists for me with all the force of a fatal disease. Obviously I am here, a mind and a body. To say there's no proof my body exists would be arty and specious and if my mind is more ephemeral, less provable, the solution of being a writer with solid (touchable, tearable, burnable) books is as close as anyone has come to a perfect answer." - Judith Perelman Rossner

"If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye." - Jack Handey

"They say when opportunity knocks you should let it in and invite it to sit at your table. F*** that - when opportunity knocks, you should take it captive. Beat that s*** down. I've got opportunity tied to a chair in my basement with a ball gag in its mouth. Opportunity ain't even thinking about leaving my house. If you keep quiet for a second, you'll hear it whining." - Tracy Morgan

"If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting."" - Mallory Ortberg

"I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy Oh, well, never saw HIM again." - Jack Handey

"Identity is a bag and a gag. Yet it exists for me with all the force of a fatal disease. Obviously I am here, a mind and a body. To say there's no proof my body exists would be arty and specious and if my mind is more ephemeral, less provable, the solution of being a writer with solid (touchable, tearable, burnable) books is as close as anyone has come to a perfect answer." - Judith Rossner

"The contemporary tendency in our society is to base our distribution on scarcity, which has vanished, and to compress our abundance into the overfed mouths of the middle and upper classes until they gag with superfluity. If democracy is to have breadth of meaning, it is necessary to adjust this inequity. It is not only moral, but it is also intelligent. We are wasting and degrading human life by clinging to archaic thinking." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I'm not good at narrative; I'm really a gag writer, and that comes from being in the newspaper comic strip world for a while in college. What I do is I just write tons of jokes, then I sort them out in terms of quality and then pick the best of the jokes and then try to form them into a plot. If I get a good theme going, I feel lucky." - Jeff Kinney

"Looking at the shape of the world, I see how we're in a time where women are the subject of hatred, fear, and we have to fight that all the time. I feel that there are fights we take for granted. When I look at the world, I see that women are subject to cruelty. And that's why the global gag rule means so much to me, that the United States wouldn't stand up for the rights and health of women." - Louise Erdrich

"The copy of an ad is merely a punning gag to distract the critical faculties while the image of the product goes to work on the hypnotized viewer. Those who have spent their lives protesting about 'false and misleading ad copy' are godsends to advertisers, as teetotalers are to brewers, and moral censors are to books and films. The protesters are the best acclaimers and accelerators. Since the advent of pictures, the job of the ad copy is as incidental and latent as the 'meaning' of a poem is to a poem, or the words of a song are to a song." - Marshall Mcluhan

"The U.S. intelligence community is palsied by lawyers. When we were going to capture Osama bin Laden, for example, the lawyers were more concerned with bin Laden's safety and his comfort than they were with the officers charged with capturing him. We had to build an ergonomically designed chair to put him in, special comfort in terms of how he was shackled into the chair. They even worried about what kind of tape to gag him with so it wouldn't irritate his beard. The lawyers are the bane of the intelligence community." - Michael Scheuer

"A lot of the content that goes directly to the internet, or is web-created content, is very hand-held video where you can watch this woman fall off the coffee table, or see a funny little gag, or is interview-style stuff, which is great. I love that. I consume it like crazy. But, this is designed to be reminiscent of what you would see during primetime, and reminiscent of what you would see in a movie theater, on any given weekend, and in that regard, it's brand new." - Joseph McGinty Nichol

"When the invasion began, the British public was called upon to 'support' troops sent illegally and undemocratically to kill people with whom we had no quarrel. 'The ultimate test of our professionalism' is how Commander McKendrick describes an unprovoked attack on a nation with no submarines, no navy and no air force, and now with no clean water and no electricity and, in many hospitals, no anaesthetic with which to amputate small limbs shredded by shrapnel. I have seen elsewhere how this is done, with a gag in the patient's mouth." - John Pilger

"The fascinating thing about the studio was that there was no story department. They would put a little notice up on the bulletin board saying: 'The next Oswald will take place at the North Pole. Anybody having any gags, please turn them in before such a date.' If you turned in gags regularly, the way Tex Avery, Cal Howard, Jack Carr and two or three others of us did, you'd be called into the gag meeting. The group would go into Walt's office and talk about whatever the subject of the cartoon was. Walt would put it into some kind of form and that was the story-no scripts, no storyboards." - Walter Lantz

"I think the strangest thing probably is when I went to Japan, and I don't know what the hell I was eating, but there was this one thing that seemed to be in a lot of soups and things there - I always called it pond scum. It looked exactly like the green stuff that floats on top of a pond. I would say, "Oh my God, this has pond scum in it!" I would eat it, to be polite, because we were usually with Japanese people and I didn't want to gag or spit it out or anything. And I still don't know what it was." - Cassandra Peterson

"My overall approach toward art is to remain as open as possible in front of the world, to always be curious, not to be afraid to experiment, and have a sense of self-criticism and a general criticism toward the surrounding. Also, trying to make a difference between serious research and pure gag! And making as few compromises as possible toward doing things that might not be accepted by the majority of society, even if this dominant society is the one which is ruling the art world. To keep this fundamental idea, even if it's a bit trivial: to have the desire to transform the world." - Daniel Buren



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